Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
