I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
