So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize