I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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