i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
