There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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