Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
