Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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