I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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