he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
