This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
