sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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