Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
