Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
