i was born a porn star she said
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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