He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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