I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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