There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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