This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
