Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
