Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
