I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
