the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
