thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
