I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
