he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
