Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
