Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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