My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Sorry about my life...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
