i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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