If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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