After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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