Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
