His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
