When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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