if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
