it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize