..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
