a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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