The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
