Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
