No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
