mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
