I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I fill condoms, not promises.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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