you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
