I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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