I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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