Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
