A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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