i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
honey bunches of taint.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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