How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
