i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
