she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
