Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
