so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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