Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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