i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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